I'm not ready
by marysunshine81
Summary: Nadine's thoughts on a possible date with Glenn - tag to episode 1x9


_**A/N: I haven't ventured writing for a new fandom in a long time, so I'm a little insecure, but some friends encouraged me to listen to my muse and my love for Nadine is already too big to deny, so here I am. **_

_**I really hope you'll enjoy my first attempt at her POV and who knows, I might be back with more.**_

_**This story was written before episode 10, and in the light of the new episode I could have changed some of its content, but I didn't, so please take that into account while reading. And of course I'd love to hear your thoughts!**_

_**Special thanks to Sab for the beta-work! 3 **_

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**I'm not ready**

Whenever Nadine glanced at the bouquet she kept repeating to herself the same line she had told Secretary McCord.

_I'm not ready._

She shook her head to support the unspoken words, or maybe she did it at herself? The invitation was clear and it would have been so easy to say yes, to go to dinner with this man. The fact that she's the one holding down the fort had just been an excuse. Truth was she didn't feel ready, for a lunch, a dinner, dating someone new so soon.

She was still mourning the loss of another man, who had left her so abruptly, so tragically. She should have gotten over him by now, but she didn't feel she had. Whenever she passed by his portrait in the hall, she was reminded of him, of the time they had spent together. She'd loved that man for so long and it was hard to cope with his absence. She was still missing him almost every day.

She considered getting rid of the red roses, giving it to someone of the staff, just so she wouldn't see them all the time. But it had been a while since she'd gotten flowers from an admirer and the gesture more than flattered her. And she couldn't deny the fact that the man they were from had caught her interest as well.

First of all he seemed like a real gentleman from the first moment, and if anyone appreciated chivalry in the State Department, it was Nadine. Then there was his ability to make even a boring topic like the space program sound exciting. There was something about the way he spoke of the issues that mattered to him; he captivated his audience and Nadine was no exception.

But he was also an attentive listener. When he'd said he would have loved to hear about how Nadine planned a state lunch, she could actually picture herself telling him about it in details while he would hang on every word she said. And last but not the least, he managed to make her laugh, which she appreciated the most. He was funny in his own reserved way and she found it rather attractive.

A little voice in her head told her a lunch or a dinner with Glenn would be something she could definitely enjoy, but her problem remained. She wasn't ready for it.

"_You'd deserve to be happy." _

She still heard Secretary McCord's words, but she somehow didn't believe them. She could say she had tried to be happy with Vincent, but that hadn't been real happiness, rather a stolen one. He had belonged to another woman all along, and Nadine could only have come second.

Maybe that had been all she deserved and sometimes she felt that his death had been a kind of punishment for her. A proof that she didn't deserve any kind of happiness, that's why it had been taken away from her so cruelly.

Still this new man somehow came along, when she expected it the least and she suddenly saw another chance. All she had to do was pick up the phone or send a note and accept his invitation to dinner.

But could she really do it? Was her heart already free to let someone else in? She didn't think it was. Some nights she still cried herself to sleep when it hit her she would never see Vincent again. She would never be able to talk to him, tell him she loved him. She would never be able to touch him, kiss him or hold him in her arms again.

If she accepted Glenn's invitation to dinner, she would probably feel she was cheating on Vincent, which made no sense, but that's how she felt. For some reason she didn't believe that she was free and she didn't know how to change that.

Maybe the best way to forget was to go out with someone else, maybe she needed help, because she was clearly unable to achieve it on her own. But she didn't want to use someone this way, her conscience wouldn't let her. She would have to tell him the truth. But it wasn't something she was really proud of and he would probably stop courting her if he knew, because she was undeserving of his attention.

Part of her wanted to go for it, just jump, come what may, but the other part was scared and that's what held her back. The fear of all the what ifs didn't let her entertain the thought of dating someone again. Maybe she didn't deserve to be happy, but it didn't mean she wasn't allowed to try, did it? Sure she was scared, but the worst thing that could happen was that it remained a onetime thing. She had to realize she didn't really have anything to lose.

If she didn't go out with him she would never know what could have been. The what if would always be in the back of her mind. And who knew when would another opportunity like this present itself again? Maybe by that time she would be ready, but maybe she would just be waiting for it in vain. The chance was here now, and she either took it, or she could end up regretting it later.

Suddenly she felt that her mind was made up, she decided to say yes, go on a date with Glenn. She found herself smiling at the roses now, like she had when she'd first read his note. She might not deserve to be happy, but she definitely deserved another chance to try.


End file.
